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Chuck Norris Jokes part 1

Posted by
Dec 30, 2007
Category: Humor
Currently rated
by 27 users

For those of you that may be ignorant of the awesome that is encapsulated in Chuck Norris jokes, I thought I would enlighten you. Here are some of my favorites. Enjoy them, or my foot will come out of your monitor and roundhouse kick you in the face.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

There is no chin under Chuck Norris' Beard. There is only another fist.

Chuck Norris has two speeds. Walk, and Kill.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart Disease 2. Chuck Norris 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

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User Comments

Remember the fall of the soviet empire? it's because chuck norris got tired of playing axis and allies.

Comment by: makeyourtime -- Date: 2008-03-19 22:48:48

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor took him and hit him on the back to make him cry. Yet the only one who cried that day was the doctor. Never slap chuck norris.

Comment by: makeyourtime -- Date: 2008-02-14 22:50:20

The story of the ninja turtles was actually true, but the origin was confused. It was actually four baby turtles that chuck norris ate altive and when he crapped them out they were 6 feet tall and knew karate.

Comment by: Typewriter -- Date: 2008-01-13 11:05:56

"and they're all poisonous" LOL

Comment by: tragedy -- Date: 2008-01-06 23:44:57

I can hardly wait for part 2

Comment by: nodhmo -- Date: 2008-01-06 04:17:13

Didn't Bruce Lee beat Chuck Norris in a fight once? I mean Bruce died, probably because of this, but still.

Comment by: NinjaPirate -- Date: 2008-01-01 10:50:36

The double entries should all be gone now

Comment by: Buckramega -- Date: 2008-01-01 10:07:24

Yeah there are a few more than a couple.

Comment by: SamuraiPizzaCat -- Date: 2007-12-31 17:43:15

The double entries severely weaken this I think

Comment by: chazinomaha -- Date: 2007-12-31 12:56:56

not too bad, but a couple of double entries

Comment by: Nemesis -- Date: 2007-12-30 16:21:04

Some people have likely not. A buddy of mine only found out about the existence of these a few months ago. Not everyone is as entrenched in Internet culture as us.

Comment by: Buckramega -- Date: 2007-12-30 15:56:55

The real Chuck Norris wouldn't back down from all these fights! Shame! Shame! Plus we've heard all these!

Comment by: NinjaPirate -- Date: 2007-12-30 14:12:15


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