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SPAM!


Posted by
Mcphizzle
Jan 6, 2008
Category: Humor
Currently rated
Moderately Awesome
by 30 users

With all of the talk about SPAM these days I figured I would put together an informative paper on the many uses of this miracle food.

Spam!Spam was invented by Leonardo DaVinci in 1485. He was so impressed by the "meat's" abilities that he began to use it in everything he did. It is a little known fact that both the Mona Lisa and the last supper were painted using spam-based paints. DaVinci Spent long hours trying to improve upon the recipe for spam, but to no avail. The "meat" was perfect. A quote from Leonardo sums up his feelings toward the "meat": "This stuff is freakin' GREAT! I mean it's like... it's like... it's Spam! Woooo!"

After the death of Leonardo the recipe was lost for decades, ushering in an age know as "The Time of Hunger". This was a very hard time for the population, for there was no "meat" to be found. Yes, there were cows, there were also pigs and chickens. None of these could replace the smooth, delicious flavor of that "meat"... Spam.

Spam!This would all change in 1879, when a young Harvard student named Theodore Roosevelt rediscovered the recipe while trying to distill alcohol from a pig carcass. He went on to use Spam to get elected to the office of Presedent of the United States. His whole campaign was directed toward giving the Spam back to the people, and he did just that.

From then on Spam was plentiful. It became known by many different names: "Spam", "The Spam", "Miracle Meat", "Tasty McTasterson", and many many more. Now that you are aware of the History of the irresistable "meat", I will give you a list of Spam uses.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::DISCLAIMER:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Spam!The use of spam for the following is HIGHLY unadvisable.

Spam has been known to cause the following: Irritable Bowels, Dysentery, Uncontrolable Unrination, Bloody Mucus, Malaise, Fever, Stinky Poop, Bleeding From The Eyes, Mud Butt, Death, and Stomach Cramps.

If you experience an erection lasting more than 4 hours contact a doctor or delicatessen immediately.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Spam:

Spam!Food
Motor Oil
Hat
Meapon of Mass Destruction
Personal Lubricant
Pants
Hand Soap
Politician
Crowbar
Fish Bait
Garot
Football
ATM Machine
Mop
Stove
Knife
Ear Ring
Cricket Bat
Cricket Trap
Bridge Over Troubled Water
Iceberg
Cup
Lighter Fluid
Goldfish
Clothesline
Train
Boutet's Leviathan Cowry
Chevy Chase
Canada

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::


Now a poem...

Ode to Spam

Oh Spam! Oh Spam! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.

What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man's eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.

On some corporate farm, a pig has died.
Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside
that cube of Spam hidden in the can
I now hold in my trembling hand.

More than mere food, Spam is for me
a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee.
Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses.
My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes.

Long have my arteries clogged to the sound
of sizzling Spam when there's no one around -
furtively chewing or swallowing whole.
Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal.

Other processed meat products I've tried or declined
Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine.
Though each may be tasty in different ways,
none matches Spam for gelatinous glaze.

That glistening pinkness beckons me
with gristle, fat, and BHT.
Oh Spam, my Spam - the taste, the smell!
The sacred meat product, from Hormel.

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User Comments

I Love SPAM... even more than NOODLES.

Comment by: GAZPACHO -- Date: 2008-08-06 11:17:25

I always knew there was something special about spam.

Comment by: Typewriter -- Date: 2008-01-13 11:04:50

if you check the ingredients, they include dirt, bones, and mechanically seperated chickens. down in the south, that's roadkill!

Comment by: makeyourtime -- Date: 2008-01-12 23:43:11

Spam musubi is the bomb. I'll put a link in the forums for anyone that cares to read about it.

Comment by: nodhmo -- Date: 2008-01-08 06:06:38

I'll have Lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle paté, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.

Comment by: NinjaPirate -- Date: 2008-01-07 00:04:30

sorry - couldn't waste the time reading this much about spam. But good effort! I'm sure it was an intoxicating read.

Comment by: tragedy -- Date: 2008-01-06 23:47:06

Spamariffic

Comment by: Buckramega -- Date: 2008-01-06 16:59:11

I am a douche monkey astronaut.

Comment by: Mcphizzle -- Date: 2008-01-06 16:28:35

I'll take SPAM SPAM SPAM BACON SPAM AND SPAM!

Comment by: chazinomaha -- Date: 2008-01-06 16:14:33

PERFECT description of SPAM. Love this block entry!!!

Comment by: Chunk -- Date: 2008-01-06 16:13:38

I can hear it now; a chorus of vikings chanting 'Spam, spam, spam, spam...'

Comment by: NinjaPirate -- Date: 2008-01-06 16:10:00

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